soul speak.

At precisely nine minutes past nine at night on a blustery November Eve I have decided to end my rather random albeit unplanned blogging sabbatical. Since we last spoke my job has taken up a whole lot of my life. Which is good in some ways. My career is progressing in ways I never imagined it would. I am working in the same shop and in the same job since I was seventeen years old. Other than merely existing this is the longest thing I have ever stuck at. I had many a hobby as a child which I begged and pleaded my mum that I promised I'd stick at forever (insert piano, saxophone and expensive exercise classes, still sorry about that one mum!!) if you had asked me when I first started as the Saturday girl do you see yourself here in four years time as the manager I would have said no faster than you can say pumpernickel ( it's a German bread I know it doesn't make sense with what I was saying right there.. But it's just fun to say yknow). 

The problem with life, not that I've cracked the code on the meaning of it all, give me time I'm only one gal, it's very easy to get comfy somewhere or complacent. Whether that be a job or a relationship it's hard to change for a lot of people and do something brand new and different. Like I was saying it may look good on my cv, I may be the youngest manager on my area at just a foetal age of 21 but my soul isn't being stretched and that's what's most important. I am not happy. On the outside I am all smiles, sun shines and rainbows but my heart and soul yearn for an adventure a crazy fun filled life that I can look back on in years and think 'yeah I used to be awesome'. There isn't an inch on this beautiful earth that I don't want my toes to touch. I want to see the Grand Canyon and immerse myself in the hysteria of a night in Vegas. I want to gasp at the enormity of Everest and feel like the size of a grain of sand in the middle of the universe. I want to spend more time with my family and have more memories with them. There have been many occasions where I have worked 7 days a week in a job I don't love with all my heart and I have cried at the hours I have dedicated to that cause. The hours I could have spent cooking a delightful dinner for my mum because she goes to the end of the earth for me. Going for a country walk with my dad because that's when I see him most at peace. Or even going out for a leisurely lunch with my sister it doesn't have to be an expensive meal or even just so long as it can be cherished or even instagrammed! 

The facade is slipping and even though it'll all may look good on paper and the money coming in is good if it keeps eating away at my happiness like this it truly isn't worth it. 

I wish my first post back on here after many many months was a lot cheerier! I'll try better next time! 

All my love, a X 

BACK WITH A VENGEANCE.

Hi.. You might remember me I used to go here?? It's been a while, a very long while I know. I've been umming and ahhing over whether to write about my break away and for ages I didn't really want to. However now I want to, I miss you all and I miss this and I feel I can't just pick back up where I left off. I want to share aspects of my life with you and include that on my blog. I don't want people to think I'm after a pity party because trust me that is the last thing I am after.

On the eve of the 5th of December I had an incident with a male customer at work. He said some things to me in an incredibly rude, threatening, intimidating manner and I felt scared. As a shop worker things I deem unacceptable and as a human something I also deem highly unacceptable. I wouldn't wish that on anybody.  I was working on my own and I wasn't sure what was going to happen. Luckily for me a nice young man came to my aid as he heard what had just happened and he stayed with me until I felt a bit better and less shaky. About ten minutes later, after he left, the same horrible man tried to come back in as we were closing the door and closing up. Ever since then my anxiety has plummeted. I don't like big crowds, busy places or being left on my own.

I feel a lot stronger now compared to December. I went to London for a few days to celebrate my birthday at the end of last month with all my close friends and luckily my best friend Sam knew I was feeling super anxious so met me at Waterloo and stuck to me like superglue the whole time (<3). I feel bad I have neglected my little blog for so long, I missed it but I wasn't in the right headspace to write something happy and upbeat. I feel a lot happier now, I want to do things that make me happy and put a big old smile on my face. It made me put things in perspective about life, family and my career. I've decided I'm going to throw myself back into blogging, I want to learn how to cook or bake a few decent dishes seeing as all I can do at the moment is ready meals, burnt toast, a smoothie bowl and a sponge cake. Not quite a balanced diet! I'm also doing an online beauty course so I'll keep you updated on how that goes. I want to diet and shape up and have a face and body i'm happy and proud of.

I promise I won't leave it as long this time. Speak soon my loves. A. x